Cancer 2.0: The Sequel

Archive for December 2010


This was the best Christmas ever, that I remember.   Most of my family gathered at my Mother’s house in Florida, we were missing only my father and his wife who were on a lengthy cruise to Antarctica.

This Christmas was about being happy to be together, never knowing what the future will bring.

The highlights included my mother’s music played at the Church where she is the director of music – the heavenly sounds of a handbell ensemble, the choir and most importantly, her skill at playing piano and organ.  We were regaled with amazing renditions of traditional music from Bach to Christmas carols. My mother plays versions of these songs embellished with many more notes than we normally hear… what you expect from a professional concert… the musical waterfalls as I call them – runs of notes so fast that they flow.   I was lucky enough to get to sit where I could watch her hands as she plays.

I don’t think I have the vocabulary to express the joy of being together with that many people who were intent of sharing the best of what we can contribute.  We’ve found over the years, that this atmosphere is best accomplished by honoring the individual needs – my teen daughter’s top priority was to make contact with her boyfriend, Christmassing with family Italy via internet. We accepted her excusing herself for a while each day for this… in return, she even was willing to sautee mushrooms and onions while on video conference on her computer beside her  on the kitchen counter. My brother-in-law slipped out for shopping – his idea of a relaxation, while my sister shared  photos of her rabbits that were uploaded daily by her bunny sitter in NYC.

For me, I needed to go nap mid-day every day.  I hated having to retreat to the other room for 1-2 hours during times when most people sit around to relax after some activity.  Secretly, I had hoped that maybe a change in my surroundings would keep me from needing the naps, but they were as necessary as ever.   My daughter suggested I try some iron supplements, so I’m trying that now. Maybe it will help.

To help my mother, who is in her mid-eighties and had three musical performances during our visit, I took over as head chef.  Each day I announced what I would be serving for dinner, then got a head count of who planned to be present.  This allowed those on special diets, or other priorities to do their own thing.  This sort of flexibility, everyone met their needs and were then happy to share with the group.  So often, it is easy to revert to old family roles and rules which never ends well.

Gifts were optional, due to the price of plane tickets and inconvenience of travel and the fact that no one in the family really enjoys shopping, except for my brother-in-law.  This said, there were amazingly well-thought-out gifts for everyone. I find shopping so much more fun when it is not required – the focus on what a person might appreciate rather than matching an appropriate value for the gift exchange.

My children gave my mother a game called “Apples to Apples” – the game is played with cards and the rules unbelievably easy to learn.  We played it the last two nights in a row – the goal is to find a good match between an adjective and all sorts of nouns – some appropriate, many oddly appropriated and others with the laugh-out-loud appeal of “Madlibs”.   It may not sound like much, but it is a perfect activity to bring people together and reveal intricacies of how they think, surprising us, even though we know each other so well.

It was hard to leave.  My mother and son waited and waved intermittently until I was through security and out of sight. Each time I looked up they waved.  For years, I’d sent my son off to summer camp or other events and stood waving at him like that. Each time I looked up he did a different wave – ranging from the Queen’s wave to the Vulcan “Live long and Prosper”.

Family is important to us.  Although I have not seen people much this past year, I have talked with them at least weekly on the phone.  That has been great, but there is something wonderful about being physically in the same place in a relaxed environment.  We all change in some aspect each year, and at the same time retain many characteristics that never seem to change.  I love that we all can appreciate each other so much.  It feels good to share love. I guess that’s the point of Christmas.

Usually, I have something to say here at least once a day and surprisingly, this week, I’ve not had any inspiring thoughts at all. This is the first week in months where I was free of trips across town to doctors. My work was all but non-existent, but I kept thinking something would be ready for me at any moment. It never was – of course, the last minute request for me to work on something late Thursday afternoon minutes before I was officially “on vacation” for two weeks.

Except for a few weeks, I’ve not had the energy to work more than part time this past year. I’ve taken several weeks off for treatments which were like sick days, not vacation.

I think that my shrinking sleep schedule may be part of my dim-witted state this week. I was needing 11-12 hours of sleep a day, unbelievable amount, yet the only way to insure I felt good when I was awake. I was sleeping 10 hours at night, then needing a 1-2 hour nap.

This past week, I suddenly was awake after a normal eight hours at night, and still 1-2 hours in naps. I wish I could do all the sleeping at once.

I’ve done some research that says many post-chemo patients have elevated levels of something called Cytokines, which are involved in activating the immune system like when we have colds. Whether this is my problem or not, I’m liking having the impression there is something good coming from all this sleep.

In all other ways, with the exception of my 1.5 inch hair, I feel back to normal. My focus is on stretching my arm, trying to regain mobility after the surgery. The exercises hurt, but that is a sign they are working.

I’m off to Florida for 10 days with my family, which I am really looking forward to. I may not write much during this break, but will be back to start the next part in my journey.

The doctors never seem to like talking about the fatigue that lingers and lingers after chemotherapy. This last time I tried to find answers, I came across much info I knew, like long-term fatigue is a problem for up to half of cancer patients.

Yesterday, I came across some articles looking at elevated levels of something called “Cytokines” in those experiencing fatigue.

From what I understand from reading, cytokines are similar to hormones… they are proteins secreted by cells in one part of the body, that trigger a response somewhere else. For example, when the body detects blood sugar is too high, the pancreas will put insulin into the blood which instructs other parts of the body to absorb more sugar and store it for later use. Hormones are secreted by endocrine glands. Cytokines work in a similar way, by don’t need a special organ to send the message.

Cytokines may be divided into six groups: interleukins, colony-stimulating factors, interferons, tumor necrosis factor, growth factors, and chemokines. I’m not going to go into all the details of these terms, but many have to do with stimulating the immune system. My speculation is that with the immune system activated for colds, we feel tired… which may be why I feel so tired. What I’m feeling is close to how I am tired when I am sick.

Of the list of groups, the tumor necrosis factor (TNF) sounds interesting. The TNF activates lymphocytes (a type of white blood cell ) to attack cancerous cells resulting in apoptosis. Apoptosis, as you may recall, is a self-destruct mechanism for damaged cells. rather than just dying, these damaged cells first cut all the DNA into tiny pieces to make sure it cannot be reused.

There are another set of cytokines that promote cell growth, which may not be a good thing. The articles I’ve read have not made the distinction of which types of cytokines are involved in the fatigue.

Somehow this makes me feel better, that maybe the fatigue is my body working overtime, in case there are a few more cancer cells lurking in the shadows.

In a few days, I head south to Florida to join with other family members who will be together over Christmas. I’m enjoying having a non-medical goal for a change, yet my health is never far from my mind. Each morning, I notice how my attitude toward the Tamoxifen pill has changed. In general, the idea of taking a medicine for years with potential for difficult side effects would not thrill me. Now, knowing that the cancer cells the surgeon removed were degenerating, makes this pill suddenly feel like my best hope of survival.

The uncertainty never really leaves me, even when I do my best not to dwell on it. In part, the news of Elizabeth Edwards dying of breast cancer brings home the fact that sometimes, no matter how we lived our lives, this can be lethal. Everywhere it seems I’m seeing the news media attempting to create headlines… I’ve tried not to read about it, since this is mainly hype, making a highly visible woman into a hero, while there are millions of us struggling with the same issue each day. The human interest aspects can bring attention our reality to those unaffected by the disease and can stimulate some to get screening tests or act quickly if they find a lump. Yet for a wee now, everyone I check online news, I cannot avoid these attention grabbing headlines and pictures of a dynamic woman who didn’t make it. I hate to say it but the constant reminder of this possible future is bothering me.

Until finding this regional spread, I never seriously considered I might have to face the idea of metastasis. I still believe it won’t happen and that through a combination of modern medicine, daily meditations, and nutrition/lifestyle adjustments, the odds are in my favor that this will all go away soon enough.

The pending test results are not really bothering me. I’m expecting the CT and her2+ results to be ok, more worried that there are tiny things around that are not detected in the test. The previous CT did not identify the tiny growth in my lymph node.

On the other hand, I’m realizing that I need to make sure to do the things I want to do in my life, sooner rather than later – whether it is to replace my aging computer with a noisy buzzing fan with the latest more powerful model and a few minor indulgences of things for myself, simply because I would like to have them.

In reality, this is something we all should do. As a kid, I was taught the importance of delayed gratification… work hard and the benefits will come later. Each year, we need to also remember that later may never come or be what we thought it would be. Somewhere we need the balance of a bit of benefits each year within the longer term plan.

Another lesson growing up was to save nice stuff for special occasions. This one has some merit, but in general, some things only feel special when they are new – clothes go out of style or no longer fit – or we simply forget about these things we have stashed for a more important time in the future.

One silly version of this has been attempting to get my short, short hair to look decent enough so I might be comfortable without a wig. I’ve written of the transition of too dark to too light. I tried once more, using the colors I’ve used for years, with only the most minor changes in the platinum shade. I have to give up before it all falls out. I’ll have to return to the professionals for a while once it grows out more and be glad I bothered to buy nice wigs.

I saw a science article today about a study working to prevent the hair loss caused by chemotherapy. This uses a very cold hat to chill the hair and roots, reducing circulation in the scalp during the main hours when the drugs are administered until they are flushed from the system. The hair thing is one of the hardest side effects of treatments and last so long.

I’m looking forward to a few wees without any doctor visits. On average I’ve had two medical visits a week over the past two months. I have three weeks with nothing medical, other than taking the daily Tamoxifen.

I hope I can shake the underlying fears of what could happen, made too real by the constant news this week of one who didn’t survive. I hate that I have so little say in the outcome.

It is startling the number of specialists involved in cancer care. I saw this list with far more medical descriptions of the jobs in a newsletter from Sloan Kettering. I was even more amazed at the number of these specialists I’ve worked with during my treatment.

Medical Oncologist : This is main doctor who oversees your full treatment, in addition to be the specialist to prescribe chemotherapy and decide when tests are done.

Surgical Oncologist: This is a surgeon, specializing in a specific type of cancer surgery. In my experience they also take quite an active role in patient care and follow up.

Anesthesiologist: The one who knocks you out during surgery.

Pathologist: This is the doctor who looks at biopsies and surgical material to evaluate the cells. The reports describe all sorts of features of the cells.

Nurses: At my hospital, we are assigned an oncology nurse to call for questions, once we start chemo. This is someone to call when we have questions that need an immediate answers, especially to find out if we should be worried about something.

Radiation Oncologist: This is the doctor who decides the details of radiation therapy and someone you see before and during the procedure. There is usually only one followup with this oncologist unless there is a reason to see more of him or her.

Interventional Radiologist: I don’t know if this is a Sloan Kettering name or more widespread term for a doctor who does other treatments that require things like CT, ultrasound or MRI to get it right. The biopsy doctors often fall into this category.

Radiologist: This is the doctor who looks at x-rays, MRI, and other diagnostic tests to identify any abnormalities.

Nuclear Medicine Specialist: This doctor is responsible for tests that require radioactive materials for diagnosis – things like the bone scan or the PET/CT scan. There are also some new treatments where radioactive materials are placed in or near a tumor site that would also be under this specialty.

Medical Physicist: This is the specialist in appropriate amounts of radiation for a particular patient. They also supervise the radionuclides used in Nuclear Medicine tests.

Radiation Therapist: This is the person who you see everyday working the machines at radiation treatments.

Genetic Cancer Specialist: This doctor takes cell samples from you and looks for things like the BRCA-1 gene for breast cancer. This doctor can be involved in any sort of treatment plan that uses genetics.

Endocrinologist: Hormones are important factors in many cancers. This is the specialist on hormones.

Gastroenterologist: A lot of people have gastroenterologists as their family doctor – they specialize in everything in your abdomen or related to eating.

Hematologist and Hematologic Oncologist: These are doctors who work primarily with blood – either in diagnosis or treatment.

Neurologist, Neuro-Oncologist, and Neurosurgeon: In charge of all things related to Nerves.

Physiatrist: This was a new one for me. This is a medical doctor specialized in physical impairments that are associated with cancer treatment or therapy. This doctor helps diagnose things for a physical therapy plan.

Pulmonologist: doctor of all things related to the lungs

Genetic Counselor: This is more the social worker/psychologist person who helps you understand and work through the results of genetic tests.

Nutritionist; helps you figure out what’s best to eat for health or if you are having problems eating during treatment.

Then even more social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, physical and occupational therapists and more.

Adapted this from the Sloan-Kettering Newsletter, Dec 2010

I still miss my old hair…  I’m looking like an old-school punk lead singer this morning.  The doctors say “Oh, yes the hair falls out, but it will be back in no time!”   The support groups can provide classes on how to handle your hair falling out and living bald.  No one give instruction on how to gracefully transition back from the hairless state of chemotherapy.

My new hairdo looks more like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer than what I had in mind... too bad his hair is longer than mine.

For some it is easy, at least from the observer’s point of view.  A friend of mine, who went through chemo about the same time I did, looks wonderfully stylish with her even halo of short cropped hair. Despite her cries of horror over the unexpected introduction of grey hairs into the mix, the look is on her is exotic and a gorgeous color – even if this were not her first pick.

But this is me looking at a woman,  seeing her as she looks today, not knowing how she looked or wanted to look before the months of treatment.

It took me years to figure out how to get my hair to look how I wanted it – the same blonde I had until maturity hit. Since then I’ve helped by brightening the top layers while leaving about half of the hair in the natural state.   I started doing it myself about 10 years ago, after years of observing the professionals at work, some better than others.  It had a natural look, similar to what I purchased in the wigs that got me through the bald months.

Once I made my hair a bright red at Christmas time.  It was a fun to waltz into the company Christmas party with a new, temporary but bizarre look.  I played with this for a couple months… but it was odd at times.  I remembering meeting a new man… attempting to inform him that I was really a blonde, the red was temporary.  I felt better after he mentioned he’d made his hair blue once, but it was hell once the color started to wash out.   The final straw for red, was when I was in a store, and someone referred to me as “the redhead”. I never realized how much my self image is blonde.  I’d hated red hair since my best friend’s mother, when I was quite young, referred to my hair was “strawberry blonde” and her perfect daughter’s hair was “true blonde”.  I didn’t want to look like a strawberry.

It’s funny how this old imagery stays with us.  I’ve grown to like the reddish cast to some parts of my hair – given a wider range of color.

As the doctor’s predicted, my hair did begin growing back, and those of you following this blog have heard my complaints of the gravity defying directions my hair grows in the back – swirling around like a hurricane viewed from space.  The first hair I grew came back in a dark, drab shade – not blonde, not brown, not red, not anything. They claim within a year, the hair goes back to how it was…. a year is a long time.

As my hair is getting longer – closer to 1.5 inches long, I see I could venture out sometimes without a wig, the weather front covered by a hat, if I could maybe do something about the color.  Rather than the exotic stylishness of my friend, I look more like someone who cut off all her hair because she could not be bothered to mess with it, not minding how frumpy it looks.

Last week, I headed to the drug store to stock up on the old hair dye colors.  I tend to mix up small amounts of three colors and artistically paint alternating layers in a different color, then pull a wide toothed brush through the patchwork, blending all the edges and getting rid of big globs of gooey dye. The reason it looks natural is that no trained professional would use this technique – it is easy to do without all the fuss of using foil to protect layers of color.  Instead, the different colors blend together giving a wide range of colors in the hair.

Doing this on really short hair is impossible. Short hair stays put so it is easy to look like a calico cat.  I’ve seen too many attempts at this walking down the trendy street I live on in Montreal.  So I tried the best I could, carefully applying the colors to various layers of short hair, hoping for the best.

The result: It was still brown, barely changed from the original color.  I could not believe it, the exact same dyes I’ve been using for years (L’Oreal Feria) and NOTHING.   I learned in the post-red hair days, that you cannot dye your hair repeatedly without serious irritation to the scalp.  I was stuck for months with “peach” colored hair – even professionals were unable to get rid of the remnants of the red.  I hate it.  At least now, I’m have wigs to cover the craziness.

A few days later, I tried again, this time, using only the lightest of the blonde dyes.   Again, barely a change – this new hair is resistant to changing color.  The lightest blonde dye, lightened my hair to the consistent dark strawberry blonde.  At least there was some semblence of color rather than the taupe.

I gave it a week for my head to recover, while attempting to find help on the web (none found) and another trip to the pharmacy for more potent dye.   Since the blonde I liked didn’t do the job, I went for the next lightest – this one uses bleach to help the color.

I followed the instructions on Wednesday, and the color came out of my hair… ALL THE COLOR… I’m now punk blonde…. like Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer… a fashion statement that I never hoped to make… and it’s too cold to wear my black leather coats!

I attempting to find pictures… I see some that look decent, but all of them have hair longer than mine… including Spike from Buffy.

I’m not sure where to go from here.  I need length more than more color and length takes time.

I need to view my hair recover as I do my physical recovery… it will not happen over night, but gradually things return to normal.  For some, like my friend, her energy and hair are in good shape… and for me it just takes longer.  I cannot force it.

Patience is a virtue, right?

 

Yesterday morning, a top story in medical news was “An aspirin a day reduces cancer death risk by 21%”  and then today, the news was of a prominent woman who died of breast cancer.

Reading the articles of possible cures gives hope, while the other story reminds me that this is a deadly, dangerous disease.  This woman was symptom-free for 3 years, when metastasis was found in the bones  – she lived more three years.  She  had plenty of money to get the best possible treatment. This scares me to no end, so I won’t dwell on it, except to remember not to squander the time I have when I feel good – which is true for everyone – we cannot predict our own futures.

On the other hand, it is surprising to see the mundane materials such as Aspirin and Vitamin D that can offer the same sorts statistical protections as many of the harsher medicines.  In treatment, the doctors strive to combine multiple possible cures, in hopes of   the mixture will suppress tumor growth.

The study was published in British medical journal, The Lancet and examined date from eight other studies, over 25,000 subjects that had been taking aspirin for at least 4 years.  The dosage of aspirin was  from 75mg to 500mg per day.

My stomach is easily irritated by aspirin, yet I’d love to add that sort of protection to my arsenal.  I’ll have to think about this.

 

 

My visit with the family doctor today was like stopping in to see an old friend.  Dr. Younes has been my family doctor for the past 1.5 years, while my regular doctor took time to study Medical Anthropology in Amsterdam.   I updated her on the swollen lymph nodes, biopsies, and surgery.   She listened attentively and compassionately for areas where she could help me through all this.

She said that in medicine, we have to prioritize – that right now we are handling the “big” problem, then later will focus back on the smaller things.  At the same time, she is watching for normal things … like is there some other reason for me feeling tired – side effects of the back medicine, a lazy thyroid or vitamin imbalances.

She reminded me how doctors at both clinics and hospitals consult with each other on the more unusual or interesting cases, discussing either at regular meetings or just peer-to-peer to gather more information to optimize the treatment of the patients.

She also informed me that my old family doctor has now returned from his studies.  Now I have two doctors I really like – a rare thing.   She set up my next appointment returning me back to the care Dr. Aggarwal, saying I can always come see her again if I want.   I’ve grown to enjoy my visits with her and will miss her as my main doctor, while at the same time, I am happy that the doctor I’ve had since my coming to Canada is back again.   She made it clear she had updated him on all that had happened with me medically.

As I left, she gave me a big hug and said that I am the type of patient that inspires her… the way that I am handling the cancer diagnosis and treatment.  She said that most patients are not like me – I don’t know exactly what that means – but it was clear it was a complement.  It made me feel good.

When I got home, there was a message from the hospital canceling my oncology appointment for tomorrow – they said they would call with more information tomorrow. Odd.

It made me think how as a kid, I sort of believed the teachers all were at the elementary school, 24/7, like the books and our miniature desks.  There is a point, we are used to the process – the doctors are always there for the appointments.  This reminds me that they are also human – with chances of illness or personal emergencies.  I hope his reason for canceling is nothing serious.

Outside my window I can see the snow dancing in the streetlights, as Montreal is being covered in snow – the most we’ve seen this year.   I find it curious that there were two counts calling my attention to my doctors are people I care about today.  The fact it happened twice seems somehow significant… or maybe, just something to remember.

 

This morning I did some medical reading – one looking at more detail on cancer treatment, the other on physiotherapy.

Most of the cancer book was highly technical, with lots of explanation on things happening on the genetic or molecular level which I skimmed over, looking for something that seemed to give  summaries of how this  all works.  It seems, at least on the over-view, I have a decent understanding of the types of things that currently affect treatment.

The book mentioned that although any tumor that has reached a blood or lymph vessel will shed off many millions of cells each day, only a very small portion of them ever attach elsewhere in the body.   I found this sort of creepy – the potential danger, yet somewhat counterbalanced by the information that most are disposed of by the body.

So much of medical treatment is based on statistics, there is still so much that is not fully understood on what actually stops the disease and allows us to return to healthy lives.   For each level of disease, there are always a few “miracle” cases, where no matter how awful the prognosis, a few survive.  There are too many factors to scientifically guess what makes the difference.

Over lunch I mentioned to my husband that I’d looked also at a book on physiotherapy.  He started laughing and said, “That explains a lot!”   On lazy, weekend mornings, we sit facing each other at the dining room table, each at our portable computers reading what interests us.

Apparently,  Philippe had noticed me reading – but making odd, large gestures as I read – both arms extended to the sides with hands toward the ceiling – as if I were invoking the heavens in some dramatic way.  He didn’t mention it to me at the time, but was relieved to hear I was testing movements described in the physiotherapy book.   It had not occurred to me that he might be watching, wondering what on earth I was doing.

I’m glad that got explained.  I do enough crazy stuff, I like have sane explanations sometimes.

The interesting part of the physiotherapy book told the importance of each step in healing a muscle or joint problem. Every problem can be involved in overall body posture – either a cause or side effect of some other issue.  Then there is range of movement at any particular joint – to assess which muscles are involved, and finally a test of strength of the muscles having trouble.

In physiotherapy, treatment begins by retraining the muscles to work together. The longer you wait to get treatment, the more you have all sorts of other muscles compensating for the ones that are not working right.  If we jump ahead to just strengthening a weak muscle, then it may make things worse.  The first step involves slow, very specific movements so that you can consciously be aware of which muscles are moving.   This builds the right habits of movement – just as if you were learning some sport or to play a musical instrument. Start slow, precise and later, it just flows.   This phase is usually the most painful, since it involves using and stretching tissue that you’d rather protect due to pain.

The second step is stabilizing.  This is a bigger movement, that requires the body to counterbalance the movement.  The point is to make sure that once you have weight and motion, the rest of your body is ready to do its part.

The third step is the obvious, building strength in the muscles that were weakened.

The final step improves power – the closest to normal movements  that require both strength and motion.

Too often, we just to work on gym equipment ( step 3) or an aerobics class or yoga (step 4) without doing the repair work of the first two steps.  This too often leads to pain, frustration and quitting exercise.

The book gave more insight into the exercises my surgeon gave me and other exercises I’ve had for my shoulder after previous surgery.   I really want to get full motion back.

So I’ve learned a bit this morning – feels good.

 

Last night was the company Christmas party at a local restaurant near my house.  These events come in two flavors – one that includes our spouses or partners, the other that is employees only.   This was an employees only affair.

I had a nice time and began to realize the value in these events – reminding us of the human aspects of our work – an chance to be people together rather than just interact based on roles and projects we are working on.

In the course of the evening, I realized, that although I’ve only been working part time and in the last months totally from home, that I have formed a human connection with many of the individuals I work with.   We traded   stories of important moments in our lives, and thankful I got to me much more of a listener than a speaker.  Conversations that did not include my health – I really liked that.

As business ethics are continually diverging from the personal ones – “it’s only business” and hiring/firing for the bottom line etc – our work places transform into a factory mentality where each of us are useful only for our part in the process.  This is a small company, that still retains much more humanity that most.  The employees were noting the differences in attitudes and expectations with the big clients we work for – the cubical farms devoid of windows, where people continue business talk, even in the Men’s Room.

No matter where I’ve worked, I’ve always maintained the old fashioned idea that people matter more than the projects, and also that people who are treated as valuable resources can and will do superior work to those following orders. Too often superior work is no longer the goal of many of the biggest companies.

This party started at 5:30, and was still going strong at the restaurant/bar when I  left to walk home at 10:30PM.  I said my goodbyes and was surprised by the many people who stood to give a most genuine French kiss on both cheeks and a warm hug reserved for friends, rather than the les personal handshake colleagues.

Doing business these days is not easy. Both employers and employees walk this fine line trying to separate business from human experience – especially ironic when we look at a company that is focused on design of human experiences.

I look back on my discomfort with the way they made decisions in October, reminding me to keep separate the business/human aspects of work.  On the other hand, I spoke up about it, and they listened.  This time, they allowed me to have a say, before making decisions.

I often speak of the value of  accepting things that we cannot fight – expending effort and attention where we can make a difference… learning to let go of fear and anxiety.

This is but one example of many in my life, when the external changes that handed to me turned out in the long run to be just what I needed.  At work, they made a one-sided decision to have me work on a single part of the project, taking my work computer, making it necessary to work from home.  Normally, not a good move politically. And as you may recall, I was upset with the decision and the process.  I had to work to let go of that anger.

The truly ironic part is that within days of the decisions, I found my lumpy lymph node and suddenly needed the freedom of working from home, with a lighter load, so that I could continue working while spending many hours each week in  diagnostics, surgery and medical visits, without anyone even having to know what was happening.

We never know until after the fact, the meaning or potential benefits that can come from unexpected and often unwanted changes.

Last night helped me to see the side of this company that I like, reminding me that they are doing their best to survive in a difficult business climate. As employees, it is hard to navigate the dual nature of business these days.


Not a second time

One in 9 women will have breast cancer, and everyone will be in a position to support a mother, sister or friend as they go through treatment.

A few, like me, get the diagnosis more than once.

I wish now, I had more records of how I got through it the first time – I remember mainly the support and love of my friends and how much it helped, conveniently forgetting the immediacy of day to day emotions and events. So this time, I’m making my notes public, in hopes that this can help prepare others for the difficult months of treatment that precede the rest of our lives.

In 2001, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I followed standard treatments and as many alternative aids as seemed appropriate. Since then, I’ve been doing all the requested follow-up treatments and spending the time attempting to live as healthy a lifestyle as possible, expecting to remain cancer free.

Dec 2009, I discovered a lump while showering. The biopsy came back mid-January 2010 showing a tumor composed of invasive cancerous tissues. It was most likely something new, rather than a recurrence. So far, the prognosis is good.

This is my story, as it unfolds.

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