Connoisseur of Sleep

Posted by: KLM on: April 3, 2011

• In: Radiation | Recovery
• 1 Comment

I hate the effect that these intense recovery days seem to impact my ability to think and to write.  Curiosity and focus are both abilities that stem from a healthy mind and body.

I’ve been sleeping so deeply, both at night and during naps.  As a new connoisseur of  sleep, I feel I need a new vocabulary for types of sleep, like the many names for snow for those who live in the Arctic regions.

The sleep of recovery zonks me out intensely, and is difficult to wake up from. Some days, I feel in a fog until after a nap. Others, I’m OK, until I nap, then foggy the rest of the day.

Dreams are vivid and colorful.  Last night I had figured out how to make a futon fly by concentrating on where I wanted to go. It could go through walls and anywhere I imagined… that part was cool beyond words.  The dream ended with me talking with the surgeon about needing a double mastectomy to prevent future cancers.   Other dreams have been more positive, but themes of the dreams seem to all point to my transitioning away from medical treatments and back to ways to regain a healthy, normal life.

I’m spending most of my waking time attempting to do something constructive.  Reading a book on Hildegard of Bingen’s health remedies from the 12th century,  a book on fabrics, and urban-fantasy novels about minor weirdnesses in an otherwise normal world.

I’ve also begun sewing a white jacket for spring. The one I cut out just before radiation began.  It is an easy project, but fun since I’ve made some minor modifications to the pattern to customize it.

I used to be excited to get sewing projects done, as if there were a prize for finishing quickly.  I realize now that this is creative for me, and therefore, I may as well take my time, and enjoy each step.  In addition to enjoying the process, the project turns out better from the extra attention.

Although this sounds industrious, I’m spending only a few hours on these tasks a day. I’ve not set food outside the house in four days in an attempt to get rid of irritation on back/hip joints from being out each day.  I find myself actually looking forward to getting all this fixed, despite my fear of more surgeries and medical things.  I just want my life back.

I’m not fighting the fatigue for now, but embracing it as a step in healing.  I’m hoping the homeopathy will help me recovery more quickly.  It feels good, each time I open one of the tiny vials of remedy, that I am at least trying out something else to help me recover.

Patience is hard.