Some thoughts

Posted by: KLM on: December 14, 2010

• In: Daily life | Observations
• 5 Comments

In a few days, I head south to Florida to join with other family members who will be together over Christmas. I’m enjoying having a non-medical goal for a change, yet my health is never far from my mind. Each morning, I notice how my attitude toward the Tamoxifen pill has changed. In general, the idea of taking a medicine for years with potential for difficult side effects would not thrill me. Now, knowing that the cancer cells the surgeon removed were degenerating, makes this pill suddenly feel like my best hope of survival.

The uncertainty never really leaves me, even when I do my best not to dwell on it. In part, the news of Elizabeth Edwards dying of breast cancer brings home the fact that sometimes, no matter how we lived our lives, this can be lethal. Everywhere it seems I’m seeing the news media attempting to create headlines… I’ve tried not to read about it, since this is mainly hype, making a highly visible woman into a hero, while there are millions of us struggling with the same issue each day. The human interest aspects can bring attention our reality to those unaffected by the disease and can stimulate some to get screening tests or act quickly if they find a lump. Yet for a wee now, everyone I check online news, I cannot avoid these attention grabbing headlines and pictures of a dynamic woman who didn’t make it. I hate to say it but the constant reminder of this possible future is bothering me.

Until finding this regional spread, I never seriously considered I might have to face the idea of metastasis. I still believe it won’t happen and that through a combination of modern medicine, daily meditations, and nutrition/lifestyle adjustments, the odds are in my favor that this will all go away soon enough.

The pending test results are not really bothering me. I’m expecting the CT and her2+ results to be ok, more worried that there are tiny things around that are not detected in the test. The previous CT did not identify the tiny growth in my lymph node.

On the other hand, I’m realizing that I need to make sure to do the things I want to do in my life, sooner rather than later – whether it is to replace my aging computer with a noisy buzzing fan with the latest more powerful model and a few minor indulgences of things for myself, simply because I would like to have them.

In reality, this is something we all should do. As a kid, I was taught the importance of delayed gratification… work hard and the benefits will come later. Each year, we need to also remember that later may never come or be what we thought it would be. Somewhere we need the balance of a bit of benefits each year within the longer term plan.

Another lesson growing up was to save nice stuff for special occasions. This one has some merit, but in general, some things only feel special when they are new – clothes go out of style or no longer fit – or we simply forget about these things we have stashed for a more important time in the future.

One silly version of this has been attempting to get my short, short hair to look decent enough so I might be comfortable without a wig. I’ve written of the transition of too dark to too light. I tried once more, using the colors I’ve used for years, with only the most minor changes in the platinum shade. I have to give up before it all falls out. I’ll have to return to the professionals for a while once it grows out more and be glad I bothered to buy nice wigs.

I saw a science article today about a study working to prevent the hair loss caused by chemotherapy. This uses a very cold hat to chill the hair and roots, reducing circulation in the scalp during the main hours when the drugs are administered until they are flushed from the system. The hair thing is one of the hardest side effects of treatments and last so long.

I’m looking forward to a few wees without any doctor visits. On average I’ve had two medical visits a week over the past two months. I have three weeks with nothing medical, other than taking the daily Tamoxifen.

I hope I can shake the underlying fears of what could happen, made too real by the constant news this week of one who didn’t survive. I hate that I have so little say in the outcome.